Boundaries

Boundaries tell us where not to go. They tell us where to go. How to treat others, and value ourselves. The give and take, push and the pull.
Two pieces of me. Helper at work, helper at home.
My boundaries untethered during COVID. Like one of those blow up dancing tubes in front of a car dealership. I was a mom, a teacher, a wife, a friend. I was in my 6th year as a motherless-daughter grappling with the truth of her father, whose ego makes him the sun of his own Milky Way. Six years of emotional disregard had drawn an unbending boundary between us.
Three kids at home, virtual learning, full time work. My husband and I needed help. Despite the voice in my head I cracked the door open and let my dad in to help. The benefits of this new arrangement washed away the memory of our unrecovered ruptures. But, as we returned to normal in a new post-COVID world, the sandpaper-y truth of my father – who got to be the (COVID) hero that I had always wanted – quickly roughed away the gloss of the temporary respite he provided. Old habits, old patterns returned. Vulnerability, in the form of a little girl asking to be saved by her father. Pained because I ignored my instincts and let my boundaries lapse.
At work, my boundary-keeping failed me in the opposite direction. We were a large group of people grappling with a new pandemic-life, working in a field which grew busier as the rest of the world shut down. In a now-virtual world, I craved the connections that had previously kept me grounded. I opened myself to my colleagues widely and raw-ly; shared my own struggles and uncertainty. I spent countless conversations trying to memorize the infinite, beautiful details of my colleagues’ lives so that they would feel a connection – feel my support. In doing so, I lost track of the wider scene. The vulnerability that was once my go-to connecting strategy became my Achilles heel and left me with no energy to see the bigger picture. Or to care for myself. My husband. My kids. My vulnerability, again, became my liability.
Boundaries threatened by vulnerability, two ways. With a bit of time and distance, I am reassured my self-protective instincts are good. I just need to listen. My ability to share vulnerable space is a superpower. I just need to save some energy for me.